How is it that I can be sooo HAPPY and soooo sad at the same time?

I miss my friends and family soo incredibly much I want to cry.

I am leaving my boys, and I know how incredibly hard it is on them that I’m leaving. I’m afraid that everything I’ve worked towards these 4 months could be destroyed in the one month that I am gone. I don’t want them to be scared of the dark. I don’t want them to get sick and not be taken seriously. I want them to drink plenty of water to stay healthy and to eat their food, so they can be strong and so they can grow well. I want them to know it’s not how you look when you pray, it is not about putting your hands in the air or shouting that will make God hear you. Praying is about your heart and your mind. Praying is about you letting go of yourself and your worries and giving everything up to your Lord and Savior. I want them to know that they are loved by the Lord and that they are worth so much. I don’t want them to forget that. I don’t want them to forget how important it is to love and respect each other. I know God will be with them. I know He will watch over them. I just pray they continue to search for Him.

I am also sad because I only get a month with my family. Only a month to hug them, before I must go back.

I am so excited to see my family! I can’t wait to hug them to hold their hand, to eat dinner with them. To sleep under the same roof. To hear their voices without worrying about internet or phones disconnecting. Or not having enough credit on my phone to call them.

I can’t wait to see my girls! I can’t wait to hug them, to catch up on their lives, to go out for ice cream. To pray with them and watch movies with them. To see them graduate from High School!!

I can’t wait to see my friends! To play board games, make cookies, and laugh all night! To hug them and to be in the same room as them!

And I can’t wait to see my boys again. To hold their hand when they are hurting. To hug and kiss them goodnight. To see them laugh so hard they fall on the floor. To see their smiles as they run to the car when I drive through the HCO gate after being away for a month. I can’t wait to wake up to their voices in the morning. To sing and pray with them at night. To hear them say, “I love you, Ma-dlo.” To see them dance and joke with each other. It’s not even been a day and I already miss them.

We didn’t say goodbye to the boys. Only goodnight and see you later. A couple of them said have a good trip, but no goodbye. Bethany and I tried to explain to them we will be back soon. One month. The boys said that one month is one month too long. They said that they would like me to go for one day and then come back. Maybe two. But not one month. They all told us they would hide in their rooms when we left because saying goodbye is too hard for them. So we decided to leave while they were at school, so they wouldn’t be around to watch us leave.

But before we left we made sure to leave them all a little gift. To remind them that God loves them, we love them, and we enjoyed the time we had with them. In each bed we left a bag full of candy, a picture of us, and scripture verses that we picked out for each individual child to encourage them. Bethany also wrote a note to each boy.

And, just to make them smile we decided to “decorate” their rooms.. The American way. It reminded me of the many times, with my youth group girls, we “decorated” our dear friend Rachel’s house.

I had to turn a boy away from the orphanage yesterday.  He has a mother. The mother cannot afford to pay for his school. I don’t know how many pairs of clothes he has. Or whether or not he gets enough food. Or whether or not he has a loving mother. But he sat by the gate the whole day hoping to come in. I had to tell him that he needed to go home. I gave him money to go home and to buy some food. The woman who sells candy next to the orphanage had been sitting with him. After I placed the money in his hand, she told him he needed to pray to God for help. After a pause, She asked if he was going to go home. He just stood there. Fourteen years old. He just stood there and stared down the road. I almost broke down in tears. Some of the boys at the orphanage did, because they knew and loved him.

I pray that he went home.

Last night the rain fell. A down pour. We, the boys, Jeanty, Bethany and I, gathered into our Bible study room, where it is usually pretty warm. But with the wind and the rain, it was chilly. The rain fell heavily. Then I heard thunder. It seemed like buckets of water where just pouring from the sky.

And all I could think about was this boy.

I pray that he went home. That he was on a bed underneath a warm blanket next to his mother. I prayed so hard that he went home. That he wasn’t cold. That he was in a warm shelter out of the rain.

I turned him away.

I pray that he went home.

Bethany and I decided not to go to church. We wanted to spend the morning reading the Bible and praying and listening to worship music. It was the best time of worship we’ve had since we were with Almando and Cassie, who just happened to play worship music in the car as we drove through the beautiful mountains of a Haiti.

We still have a hard time understanding what people are saying or singing in church, so usually we take our Bibles to church and try to read through them as the pastor speaks, but even then we get distracted by the little hands that want to look at an English Bible, or tell us where we need to begin reading, usually it is somewhere in Genesis or Numbers.

So we decided to spend Easter focused on the One who has Risen. We read in John, prayed and sang.

After our time of prayer, we had a couple of the younger boys come in and draw pictures. For some reason they all would rather make pictures with pencil and not markers. Only one boy put color on his picture. Bethany and I hung up all the drawings in our kitchen.

We then sent the little ones out and brought in the older boys to help us make cookies. They have never baked before. It was so fun to them measure the dry ingredients in heaps and the liquids barely reaching the top of the measuring cup.

They were very careful with everything, concentrating so hard. They did not like that flour or egg got on their fingers. But we made them mix the dough with their hands.

Somehow things escalated and there was a full-out egg and flour war going on in our apartment.. It possibly could have been mine and Bethany’s fault…

The younger boys told us we were all acting like children and that we need to act like adults.

We eventually finished baking the cookies and they turned out beautifully!

About thirty minutes later, we heard  voices saying the cookies were too small, and they didn’t get enough. Boys asked us if we could make them everyday. They can’t get enough of these amazing cookies!

Two days have passed since then.. I think it might be time for more cookies! :O)

“Bondye, Lord, God. I need your help. Kisa ou vle mwen fè? Mwen vle mache dwat, men mwen pa konnen kibo dwat se. Senye di-m kibo ou vle mwen ale. Senye, ban mwen sajès pou konnen kisa ou vle. Eske mwen te bliye ou? Eske mwen te mache mal? Eske mwen te travay mal? Eske ou pa vle mwen rete nan Ayiti. Bondye, eske ou vle mwen rete la? Kè m’ kontan la. Mwen pa vle ale. Men si ou pa vle mwen la, Bondye, ban mwen peace.

Lord, God, I only want to be in Your presence. I only want to do Your will. God why have You brought me here? Why did I spend all this time here? Was it to learn You are all powerful? Was it to see if I fully trusted You? Was it to be the voice for those who don’t have a voice? Was it to love those who felt unloved? Lord, why do I want to be here so bad? Lord, do I trust in myself more that I trust You? Or was I put here because I really can make a difference? I fully trust that You will never forsake me. I trust that You take care of Your children. But why is it I feel a strong need to be with these boys? I know you are all powerful. If I know Your Will will be done, why do I feel that I need to be the one to stay? I can’t see the physical results of my progress here, but I feel satisfied when I am here. When I leave, I can think of nothing but the boys and how much I want to be surrounded by their laughter and their love.

Lord God, I need Your wisdom. I need to hear Your voice. To tell me when: to speak. To tell me to stop. To tell me to leave. To tell me to stay. To tell me when to move. To tell me where to go. God, I have no idea Your will for me. I have no idea Your plan for me. I only know You brought me here for some reason. I learned so much about You. If that is the only reason I came, then I thank You, Lord. I can do nothing without You, Lord. I am nothing without You, Lord. Please be with me. Please, Lord, tell me what I should do. Where  I should go. As much as I love these boys. I want to be in Your will more than anything else.”

Yesterday was good. Yesterday was just what I needed.

Emotionally, I was feeling heavy. I was tired. It was a hot humid day. Just standing waiting for a Tap Tap (our transportation) made me sweat. We rode to the orphanage. There were a couple boys standing outside the gate. As we walked in, we were greeted by hugs, smiles and laughter.

After taking a shower, I felt refreshed. I sat in the hallway with about ten of the boys.

Non-stop laughter!

For the first time in a while, I felt at peace. I felt a joy that is unexplainable. I was surrounded by love. We did nothing, but sit and talk. We were living in the moment. No thoughts of the hard past. No worries of the future. Only resting in the joy of being together. Soaking up every minute we had together. 

When I am away from the boys, I worry. I feel worn out. I feel depressed. Everything reminds me of the boys. I see a rock and think about games we played. I see their faces as I drive through the streets. I here their voices in crowded rooms.

When I am with the boys, I feel joy. I feel peace. I feel strong. I was told that you are never happier than when you are right where God wants you (Uncle Bruce). I am so thankful that this is where God called me.

As I sat seeing their faces, I thanked God for letting me spend time here in Haiti with these boys. They are AMAZING boys. Each night they ask me to pray for them to have wisdom and to be good men. They ask me to pray that they can go to college, so they can earn money to help their families who are struggling.

Yesterday, I went to bed joyful.

Lord, be with the boys. May they grow to be good, wise men. May they show others the love You have shown them. May they bless others the way You have blessed them. Thank You for each one of these wonderful boys.

Three weeks that I have not updated this blog. Two weeks of short term mission groups. One week in hotel. Two weeks of confusion. Three weeks left to work. Four weeks left with the boys. Five weeks till I see my family. Six weeks till I watch the most exciting marathon of my life. Seven weeks before I can relax. Eight weeks till my favorite girls graduate. Nine weeks then I’ll have to say goodbye again. Ten weeks and I don’t know what will happen next.

Lots of emotions. Lots of worry. Lots of Joy. Lots of fear. I need to trust. So much time. So much can happen. So much can stay the same. I want to be in two places at once. I want to hold my boys, my girls, and my family all at one time. I know that probably won’t happen. I feel like I have a new home, but at the same time wish everyone else can come here too.

I want to build a hedge of protection around my boys, but I want them to grow strong and find their wings and their purpose in life. I know that is not my role here. My role is to pray. To show them the love of God and to pray. To teach them that they are a treasure. A prized possession. And to pray. To teach them that love is constant. Love is sometimes hard. Love is not just gifts and candy. And to pray.

I won’t always be with these boys. Just like I was not able to stay with my girls in America. I wish I could. I wish I could show them how similar they are. How even though they live so far apart, they need the same thing. We all need the same thing. To know how powerful, how good, and how great God’s love is for us.

He is constantly watching us. Walking with us. Suffering with us. He puts a hedge of protection around us, but at times lets us feel pain so that we may grow. How He wishes that we knew, how incredibly precious we are to Him. How He made us perfectly. We each have certain gifts and certain instincts that put us in a position to work together in a way that pleases the Lord. Bethany and I are a living example of that. With my constant desire to react immediately and her constant desire to analyze situations, we are able to pray, pause, and then act.

Pray for us as we near the end of the first part of our stay. As we struggle through our emotions. As we try to figure out what God would like us to do. The next three months will be hard and we will need His strength and wisdom as we press forward. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, support, and love!

A sweet, sweet friend of mine from America told me she was coming for a week-long mission trip in Haiti. We had talked about the time she was flying in, but it was the same day my amazing boss, Jim, was flying in, only a much later time. I did not think I would be able to see her. Cassie and Almando ended up driving with Jim the whole day, so Bethany, Jeanty and I were able to go to the airport. We go to the airport early, about 3:45. Anna’s flight was supposed to come in at 4:20. By 4:45, I began to get discouraged. Maybe the time was wrong, or maybe it was the wrong day. We waited.. At 5:15, I saw her beautiful face! She did not know I was coming. We both ended up crying, we were so excited to see each other! My sweet, sweet wonderful friend Anna! Seeing her made me sooo HAPPY!!!

The one thing I wanted for my birthday was to spend the day celebrating with the boys. Cassie, Almando, Jeanty and Bethany all helped me to buy juice and hot dogs and fruit for the boys. Milton, one of the older boys, decorated the living room. Home made streamers!

He then grilled the hot dogs, which the boys devoured! :O)

Before eating, the boys gathered around me and prayed for me. Such a sweet moment!

Milton, Cassie (in the blue, my newly-married-American-Haitian friend), and Bethany (in the floral shirt, my wonderful roommate) getting ready to serve the Tampico juice and hot dogs.

Gerald, the oldest boy living here, playing “Happy Birthday”. He is a gentlemen, always thinking about the other boys, especially the younger ones. He can play the piano beautifully.

After celebrating, Jerry (the second oldest boy) led worship, while Gerald played piano. We had a Bible study led by Jeanty, a Haitian man who works with me and Bethany for Praying Pelican Missions. He taught the boys that God created them as special creations.

Jeanty (in the midde, wearing blue) and some of the boys hanging out during the party.

Almando (my newlywed-Hatian/American friend) bringing out my “cake” in a pan. We didn’t have a cake so they put a tangerine in the pan and stuck a sparkler in it. Then used peanuts to write “24” in the pan. Unforgettable! I loved it soo much!

Jeanty and I enjoying the meal the wonderful boys!

The next day, Cassie, Almando, Bethany and I went to the Beach with my Creole teacher/wonderfully dramatic friend, Rachou and Almando’s brother and our amazing friend, Phito.

We completely buried Phito!

After having a massive mud/sand fight we jumped in the water and spent the rest of the day swimming at the beach!

I had an amazing Birthday week and am super excited about the rest of the days to come, spending lots of time with all my newly found friends here in Haiti!

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers!

The boys are wonderful. I may have said that already, but I will probably say it many, many more times. They are hilarious and obnoxious and goofy and caring and loving. They can say the most offensive things at times and the sweetest things the next minute. They can get mad and then only two seconds later they are laughing with each other. Your typical boys. Just one big family. I love them so much. A few days ago, Bethany and I went to the other orphanage with Cassie and Almando and ended up spending the day away from the boys orphanage. That evening, Bethany and I went into the apartment to work, so we didn’t spend much time with the boys. The next day, as I walked with some of the younger boys, one of them took my hand and said, “When you go, I am not happy.” One of the older boys told me not to expect to see any of the boys April 26, the day we leave, because they will all be hiding in their rooms. It will be too hard for them to say goodbye.

I love them. They give me so much joy. Just the sound of their voices in the morning makes my day bright. Just seeing them in the distance talking or playing with each other, makes my heart happy.

Thank You Lord for these amazing boys!